I’m addicted, hopelessly addicted, its like crack I can’t help myself, I’m neglecting my responsibilities. I neglect eating, sleeping, work, homework, kill relationships, yell at people, waste untold amounts of money all for what? For what? A fish is a fish is a fish, they are there swimming somewhere and I’ve caught thousands of them, why do I sit up in mid December, ignoring the pile of work on my desk to tie some flies that truth be told I will probably never throw because winter is so long. Why?

Why?

I wish I could give you a clear answer, I wish I could say “because this or that” but I can’t, I have no clue, they are just fish right?

My obsession has become an addiction, I cannot stop, I can not imagine a life that wasn’t based on where I was gonna fish next and with who. I make decisions about my career based on how I can catch the most trout for God’s sake. I drool over equipment, over hooks, over tools and feathers all winter, I obsess, talk about it to anyone who will listen. I can bullshit for days if given the chance, months even.

Yet when I step into the water it all becomes clear, its not about the fish, not about the fly, not about anything but myself, my friends and my world. I challenge myself, set clear goals, find moments of happiness, deal with frustration, deal with anger, deal with my demons, with ethics, with the kind of person I want to be. Everything I know comes from the river, every bit of peace I’ve had comes from the river. My first date with my first girlfriend was a trip to a river because that’s where I felt comfortable, that’s what I know, and the river knows me. Things become clear standing there staring at the waves, trying to decipher the code of the current, I don’t think about all these things anymore I just know. I know the person I am and the person I want to be, I know who my friends are, I know it all, just from the river.